My whole life, I thought I was lazy. Turns out, I just have ADHD… and an extremely full plate.

But imagine, going 20 something years looking at the world around you and feeling like you were born broken.

I was the “bright kid” who just needed to “apply herself more” (if you know, you know). But no matter how hard I tried to apply myself I just couldn’t.

I remember in the 4th grade trying to time block my days to the minute because I thought that that level of structure would “fix” me. Heck, I still sometimes try to do this.

But every day I would fail at it.

I learned how to coast. I did well in school until I did just okay. But I was constantly comparing and being compared to others. I watched everyone else manage just fine and for me it felt like it took three times the effort just to fall short.

Then at 27 I was diagnosed with ADHD. (thanks TikTok!)

But even with the diagnosis, I still told myself I needed to be more disciplined. If I could just wake up earlier, plan better, manage my time better, try harder, and stop being lazy then maybe I could keep up. And that only amplified after having kids—which I think is true even for those without ADHD.

If I just wake up before them… meanwhile I am going to bed at 9 pm and getting woken up 4x a night.

If I just had a better organizational system… meanwhile I’m the default parent managing the home systems, the work systems and trying to remember that I am not a camel and Diet Coke doesn’t count as water.

If I just focus… meanwhile I’m being interrupted twenty times before 10 AM.

Here’s the thing. I know I am not lazy. I am just completely exhausted.

From carrying the schedules, the groceries, the meal planning, the appointments, the daycare forms, the birthday parties, the gifts, the diapers, the work deadlines, the laundry, the OT shifts, the emotional regulating, the remembering of everything no one else remembers–and on top of that, trying to make sure my kids are having the best childhood they can.

It’s emotional regulation that is so intense you need to doom scroll to disassociate because you just want to turn your brain off.

It’s being needed every minute and then feeling guilty for wanting one minute alone.

It’s laying down after being a parent and an employee all day and feeling like sh#t because there are still crumbs on the high chair.

Women are especially brutal with ourselves here. We shame ourselves for not doing more while we are actively doing too much.

I’m learning to accept that there is no planner, no color-coordinated organizational system, or optimized morning routine that is going to magically make all of this better.

What I need is genuine rest, and allowing myself the grace and space to say “I need help.”

(God, my therapist is going to love that sentence!)

And maybe that is what Fueling Balance is really about.

It’s about moving out of this survival mode into something that is more gentle and kind for ourselves. It’s about growing and releasing what no longer is serving you in the best way.